I don't know.
A couple of days after announcing to (most) everyone that we were expecting our first baby, our world was shaken by words we never thought we would hear. We never thought we would be telling this story. And as much as I'd like to pretend it never happened the ache in my heart won't let me. The night of July 23rd we lost our sweet baby and on July 24th (mine and Jason's 3rd wedding anniversary) the Dr. confirmed what I already knew in my heart. Words still fail me, but I managed to put some of them on paper for the first time last night. And in an effort to share with everyone what this trial has been like for me personally I have posted my journal entry from last night below:
August 1, 2013
I thought the tears had subsided for a while, but they sneak up on me when I'm least suspecting them. It's still hard to accept that you're not with us. The 8 weeks you blessed your daddy and I with your presence were full of joy, excitement and giddily planning your arrival. Even though you were a major surprise, you were everything wanted could possibly be. All the thoughts and emotions that run through my mind, even today, are made a little more bearable knowing we'll meet you day and see your face, your sweet face. It's hard to understand why God gave you to us and just as suddenly as you were formed were taken away. I trust there's a plan. I miss you. More than I thought possible. I hope you know how much your daddy and I love you and that you're always in our hearts.
I had hoped to have some eloquent words to say to you about how we're handling this time of grief and heart ache, but the truth is we're just handling it day to day as the thoughts, feelings and emotions come. Where do we go from here? Forward. All I know is we grieve, but we keep moving forward as hard as it is. There's an emptiness that I live with now, but know that one day it will be filled. It's hard, yet God is always with me. Psalm 27:5-9 has been comforting to me and I hold tight these words:
For he will conceal me there when troubles come; he will hide me in his sanctuary. he will place me out of reach on a high rock. Then I will hold my head high above my enemies who surround me. At his sanctuary I will offer sacrifices with shouts of joy, singing and praising the Lord with music. Hear me as I pray, O Lord. Be merciful and answer me! My heart has heard you say, "Come and talk with me." And my heart responds, "Lord, I am coming." Do not turn your back on me. Do not reject your servant in anger. You have always been my helper. Don't leave me now; don't abandon me, O God of my salvation!
We have also found some healing in the words of the song below. It's funny how certain songs show up at the right times in your life.
Said goodbye, turned aroundAnd you were gone, gone, goneFaded into the setting sun,Slipped awayBut I won’t cryCause I know I’ll never be lonelyFor you are the stars to me,You are the light I followI will See you againThis is not where it endsI will carry you with meTill I see you againI can hear those echoes in the wind at nightCalling me back in timeBack to youIn a place far awayWhere the water meets the skyThe thought of it makes me smileYou are my tomorrowI will See you againThis is not where it endsI will carry you with meTill I see you againSometimes I feel my heart is breakingBut I stay strong and I hold on cause I knowI will see you againThis is not where it endsI will carry you with me, yeah yeahI will See you againThis is not where it endsI will carry you with me,Till I see you again
I want to thank our friends and family for their love and support during this time and ask that you all keep us in your prayers. I pray that any one reading this who has dealt with the same grief finds peace and comfort in knowing you're not alone and that God is always with you.
I'll do my best to continue to share this healing process with you and keep you all updated.
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